What are the Odds (or perhaps a sign from God)...

...that the soundtrack of New York was playing on my bus ride home from the airtrain after a two and a half week journey to Asia. It greeted me just like the soul sister greeted me on the airtrain - asking me to take my hands off the dash where she needs to operate the train manually. This city to me is like my family in its dysfunctionality and kinship. We are organically attached at the hip even as we try so hard to separate from each other. Would I ever leave this place? I think its a question of when and not if at this point. Still, there is an understanding between this city and I. We are bonded for life. Should we cross each other's path again we'd treat each other as if two kin met each other by chance on the road. The song I speak of is the, "Empire State of Mind" with Alicia Keys and Jay Z who are two Black Americans that undoubtedly knows New York. JZ Certainly knows a thing or two anyway since he named himself after the subway he often takes. We've all had our licks by this city not to mention this country as a whole. Nobody would argue about what it means to be a minority or the history that has been endured by this population within a population. Yet minorities sing the praises of this city at the top of their voices. Those who have been part of this cauldron knows what it means to be from here. And if you didn't suffer a little that means you never knew what it means to be a New Yorker.

End of Year Malaise...

...I feel stronger certainly. I compare myself to 2007 and I see a shadow of myself today. I am finally here from less than zero to one. At age 31 (and a half) I have come of age. I look around me and see all the stuff I have bought with money I have earned. Do I deserve all of it? Probably not. I probably don't deserve most of it. I think however that believing I deserve some of it will be enough for me. I feel a tad like Tom Marvolo Riddle or Kim Jung Un. These two characters must be just a little "Ronery." Yet, I understand why they are who they are and why they do what they do. Life has delt them a hand, as life does to all of us, and there's required of them to either capitulate to a weak position or to assert themselves to greatness. It is of course their choice to handle their situation with selfless grace or selfish greed. I like to think that I try to strike a balance of doing what's good for the world and what's good for me with perhaps a smidgeon more of selfishness. After all I, like Harry Potter, slept in a whole in the wall too. Lets also not forget that Harry was put up with relatives albeit ones who showed him neglect. Tom Riddle was shown the orphanage.

In any case I feel like I am not where I should be. I'm on the right track of course but either its not going fast enough or I'm not working hard enough or effectively enough to get where I wish to be. I am enjoying the goodies of my labor but I don't feel smart enough, skilled enough - magical enough. I wish for power, fame and glory but I find myself with just a fraction of each. True, I am a little impressed with what I have accomplished thus far but much of it I have acquired through an unnecessary application of cunning, skullduggery and sometimes brute tactics. Too much effort with too little to show for. I wonder how much of my soul I must mangle to reach my own goals.

Today I finally got business cards. It took me the better part of 4.5 years to get them. How sad. It was the same sort of cunning just to get internet access. While it is true that most of my colleagues have neither and indeed it isn't necessary for these things to do our kind of work I see it as standard operating items expected of any professional worth his salt. The business cards passed one last hurdle today with the secretary who didn't bother to follow up with its delivery. Apparently it had been sitting on someone's desk one floor up. Meanwhile the secretary tells me she has no idea when it will arrive, "perhaps in the new year, they used to take two weeks now it takes two months, I'll make the phone call." She then effectively told me to buggar off and cc'd her boss that she has done everything she could to help me despite the fact that she couldn't gurantee its arrival prior to my conference, which is a month away. I had to jab her with an email. Then I shanked her again by sending her a thank you email cc'd to her boss that it arrived just hours after she told me she has no idea when my business cards will arrive. Obviously she has no idea about a lot of things.

Are pettiness, office rage and revenge the price of advancing oneself in this world? Is that the only way to get things done - to be aggressive about every little thing? Imagine if I never went behind my boss's back to volunteer for his boss's project would I have been given the opportunity to do more independent research. Imagine if I haven't shoved the paper work to approve access to internet in his face would I have been able to complete the paper I have been invited to present in washington dc. Imagine if I haven't jabbed the secretary about my business cards would I be able to network at the conference and be taken seriously by my peers? Yet I have become petty, short tempered and vengeful. I have become more cynical than ever and I take that view with me when doing other things in life. I come to see patterns of usurption everywhere. I fail to see reasons to celebrate with others and only come to recognize my own triumphs and maybe those who are immediately within my kin. I see other people's smile and wonder why. I see lesser mortals and come to feel they deserve their hopeless fate. If only they were more aggressive maybe they wouldn't be so wretched. Everyone gets delt a hand. Deal with it. I got out of my hole by clawing my way out using every scrap of resource that came my way whether deservingly or not. Yet every ounce of aggression I muster takes me further from where I want to be. I just want to lie on a hammock and sip on lemonade somewhere warm and sunny without a thought or a care in the world. Instead I'm waging my own personal petty war to get and gain every inch that I want and deserve. My year doesn't end until Febuary.

So this is Christmas...

...the last thought that went through my mind as I swiped out for the day is: how the heck am i going to get through January? Already on the train I got out just before it closed to depart for my errands prior to xmas weekend. I forgot my phone. I waved good bye to colleague and boss on my second exuent from office. Two stops later I bumped into another colleague. On the third stop we made a dash for seats that opened up but two women from outside of the train bum rushed us one of whom claimed to be pregnant and the other one claimed to be female. The allegedly pregnant asked nastily if I wanted to feel her belly as proof. The other one made a snide remark to my grumbles as i got up to give her my seat so that she can sit with her pregnant friend. My colleague joins me to go pick up xmas gifts. At least that part of the xmas rush went well enough. Could have been worse anyway. The subway back was surprisingly empty. I got a hair cut on my way home and thanked God for Jews who kept their barber shop open on xmas weekend. I already knew the Korean grocers would be open. Jesus or no Jesus Koreans need to pay the bills like the rest of us. Now here i sit. I'm showered, shaved but not yet fed. I'm a little giddy from a beer and now I wonder with some childish glee about what I could do with the rest of the night. Dinner and a movie I should think. Maybe a call to the parents. I live for these moments. Small triumphs of surviving the week with small rewards of relaxation. I haven't really thought about Christmas in some time, what it means and who cares for it. To me its a ledge to rest upon in clear sight of another ledge to rest upon. Beyond it is a whole year's toil.

There are days...

...more like moments like this where I feel the knowing of a lot of things. I'm on my second beer. Its 10:34pm on a wednesday night and my entire family was on a skype video chat. Look at that. Scientific progress. It feels like i have the whole night ahead of me. I don't of course but I think I will pop in that movie after all. Life's not always about prepping for the next day. Sometimes life is about these moments. Work doesn't own you after all.